Mostly...

You are about to read a post of ramblings from my brain. I just need to get this off of my chest.

I want a baby.

For most of you, this is not news. I talk about wanting to be a mom all the time but that "it's not the right time," or "we're enjoying our alone time." Which is all true.

Mostly.

The truth is, a few months ago, J gave the go ahead to let the chips fall where they fall. We both know that God is going to give us a family when He's ready to give us a family. (No, we're not Dugger-y in that way... we just trust in what He has in store for us.) And really? I'm okay with that.

Mostly.

I'm halfway through my weightloss journey (officially -- woohoo! 15 pounds lighter!) and honestly I was expecting something to have changed. But my cycle is still wonky and I feel like a baby isn't in our cards right now. Which is okay.

Mostly.

Then there's the part of me that wishes, hopes, dreams, to start our family now. I thought I might be pregnant about 6 weeks ago. Took a test. BFN (Big Fat Negative, to those not up on the lingo). So, okay, no baby for now. That's a good thing, right? Right.

Mostly.

But let's face it, people. There are a few things I feel called by God to do: sing, teach, and be a wife and mom. I'm actually doing 3 of the 4, and I know that when God wants us to have a baby then we'll have one, and we're not actively trying, but... I don't even know how to put it into words.

I'm involved on a message board that I've been on since shortly after getting engaged. A lot of the ladies who got married shortly before/after me are pregnant. Or have had a baby. So I'm reading all of these announcements and listening to all of their questions and worries and whatnot, and a small (okay, maybe not that small) part of me is -- I'll just say it -- jealous. *I* want to be pregnant. *I* want to be planning a nursery. *I* want to be worrying about my clothes not fitting and finding the perfect preschool and omigod how are we going to afford everything and what if they have bad reflux or need tubes or are sick all of the time?

I want to grow a human inside myself.

Mostly.

The other side of me thinks about how much debt we can pay down now before we have a baby. It thinks about how nice it is to sleep 8 hours straight. It thinks about how I'm enjoying this new, 213 pound version of myself. I thinks about how life right now is good. I have a good husband who loves me (even though I can be a PITA sometimes...) and two cats who need as much attention as any baby. I have a great job where I can go and play with kids all day.

And then I'm good. For a while at least. Until someone else announces that they're pregnant. And I'm excited for them, really, but I get that pang again.

It's not like I've lost a baby. No miscarriages here, folks. Never been pregnant at all, which raises a new set of worries.

So for now, I sit and think about the baby I want in the future. I plan hypothetical nurseries. I read about other people's journeys and think that someday it will be my journey. And whether that someday is soon or far along down the road, I'm okay with that.

Mostly.

Thoughts from My Brain (You've been warned...)

*Last week was INSANE for me. With the exception of Monday (my day off) I worked everyday, then had church every evening. EVERY evening. Tuesday and Friday were all the way out in Warrenton, too, because I had agreed to help them out on the bass with a women's conference. No time to myself, no time to go to the gym. Yesterday was the first day I've been able to get to the gym in almost 2 weeks, AND I haven't been tracking my food. However, I maintained my weight from my weigh in on Feb. 15. That weigh in was 219.5, yesterday's weigh in was 220.6 -- but I had just eaten lunch so I don't count that pound, LOL. Oh, and I wore a pair of pants that hadn't been in rotation in about 8 months. =) This makes me very happy.

*Some changes are going down at my church and I think God is leading me in a direction involving that change. Very vague and nondescript, I know, but I can't go into details. Nothing is WRONG with my church; the change just involves a vacancy that I might be interested in. I'm just trying to figure out if it's for real from God or just me thinking, "Hey that would be cool..."

*I bought a bird feeder for out on the patio 'cause I knew the boys would like watching the birds. Paulie this morning went to pounce on one as it flew by and hit his head on the glass door. I didn't see it, only heard it, but J saw it and said it was hilarious.

*I officially applied to grad school. I applied to my alma mater, LU, even though everyone I know has been telling me not to go to grad school where you went for undergrad -- but the program I want to go for is AMAZING at LU so I'm tempted to say screw that advice, LOL. I'm still loving my job, too. It's a lot of fun and I love working with the kids. I had 2 girls the other day read "Green Eggs and Ham" to me. It was pretty much amazing.

*I'm researching getting rid of our cable. We have AT&T U-Verse and love it, don't get me wrong, but if I can reduce what we way for TV I will be a happy camper. We get the 200 channel package and pay $69 for it, plus $7 for a second receiver in the bedroom, which equals about $78 once you include tax. Right now they have an offer for $30/mo/6 mo offer going. I want to call and ask for the deal, but have never done something like that before. Even though I am thinking about getting rid of U-Verse, I don't want to threaten that I'm going to cancel my plan, mostly because I think that's kind of a shady practice. But if I can save almost $50?? I'm tempted...

*I've also been looking at options to watch subscription services on the TV. We have an older, "standard" TV which means I can't hook up the computer to the TV and be able to watch online content. We subscribe to Netflix on the Wii and the PS3 which is nice, esp. since recently they've been adding a whole lot of stuff. A FB friend of mine recently suggested a Roku box -- it will stream Netflix, Hulu-Plus, and some other channel options, but I can't access, say, NBC.Com to watch Harry's Law, or CBS.Com to watch How I Met Your Mother. J's big hold-out is soccer -- not that he watches even half of the games he records. So I'm looking into FoxSoccer.TV, which will not only give him access to the games but also a subscription to the iPhone app -- that will definitely make him a happy camper. (For those of you keeping track, we'd pay approximately $32 before tax for TV if we subscribe to those three services.) We would probably go the route of this converter box instead of the Roku, though, because we would be able to watch online content. Hmmm... choices, choices.

What' on My Mind

3 Things that are ticking me off:
1. Not having money
2. In laws who shove their ideals down my throat unprovoked
3. not having a job

3 things that I'm excited about
1. Taking care of the family I used to nanny for next week
2. A 2-week (possibly longer) sitting job with an infant
3. Youth group starting back up

3 Things I am thinking about right now
1. The Flair I just made on Facebook is fun
2. I'm hungry
3. I really need to get up and clean the dang house

3 Things I'm Thankful for:
1. A husband who loves me
2, A cat who always knows when I'm about to wake up 'cause he's always sitting there staring at me
3. An AMAZING church family

3 Songs I Love
1. HE IS by Mark Schultz
2. THE WORDS I WOULD SAY by The Sidewalk Prophets
3. UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD HEARS by Casting Crowns

3 Books on my Reading List
1. DO HARD THINGS by Alex and Brett Harris
2. THE NOTICER by Andy Andrews
3. LIES WOMEN BELIEVE by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

3 CDs I can't Wait to Buy
1. Mark Schultz's COME ALIVE (out now!)
2. BarlowGirl's LOVE AND WAR (out Sept. 8!)
3. Casting Crowns' UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD HEARS (out Nov. 17!)

Hope you enjoyed that brief glimpse into my life right now. =)

So, What's New?

I promised you a substantial entry, so here it is!

First, I want to talk about American Idol. Tuesday night was probably the best perfomance show I have EVER seen. (I mean, I still FFWDed over Adam, but...) All of them were so awesome that I didn't even try to pick a bottom two, only that Matt would be the one to go. And you know what? This was when he SHOULD have gone home and I'm glad the judges used their save on him. Although I wonder how everything would have fallen had Alexis not gone home in 11th place? I love how surprised Allison and Danny were to find out they were the top 2. Like, what?! I hope that Adam goes home next week or the next, but he probably won't. My ideal order would be Adam, Danny, then a Kris and Allison finale. But that's me. What do you think?

Second, my cat is so weird. I wanna share a story with ya real quick: Last night there was a beetle that kept flying at our living room window (which is low enough for him to jump onto from the floor) and he kept trying to catch it. Through the glass. And then his butt fell off of the ledge and he's like hanging there for dear life with his front paws. Too cute!! I was ROLLING.

Third, I finally convinced J to switch to U-Verse. We're paying a tiny bit more, but we're getting a LOT more channels than we have now, plus better DVR options. They're coming on May 13 and I can't wait!! I can watch my DVRed shows upstairs or he can watch TV upstairs while I watch my DVRed shows downstairs. That's his biggest gripe; I always want to watch my shows the NIGHT they're on because I catch up on all the blogging and gossip the next day.

J and I might be going to see Casting Crowns in Poplar Bluff in June and I'm excited. It's all dependent on if he can get off of work the next day (Sat.) 'cause if we go, we'll get a hotel since it's 3 hours away. I didn't get to see them the last time they were in town because J's friend only had one extra ticket. I was bummed because I LOVE CC. They always put on a great show.

Oh, and an update on something that I posted a few days ago, I was able to order my cap and gown. Turns out ordering doesn't end when they say it does for slackers like me who miss the deadline. ;-)

8x8x8x8x8=32,768

(This didn't post when it was supposed to... grr!)

All right, I got tagged. I promise I'll have a REAL entry for you tomorrow. For now, here's how it works:

- Mention the person or people that tagged you. (In my case, it was Red and Emily
- Complete the lists of 8's.
- Tag 8 friends.
- Go tell them you tagged them

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. Being debt-free
2. Getting a teaching job
3. Being a mommy
4. Camp Open House.
5. J's and my outing to Six Flags one weekday next month
6. Owning my own home
7. GoiMy brother being out of the Marines
8. My trip to the zoo with Miss Makenzie

8 Things I Did Yesterday
1. Went to church
2. Sang at church
3. Went to work
4. At work I folded a looooooooottttt of T-shirts
5. Bought a new litter box for Paulie (and it works WONDERS!!!)
6. Went for dinner at our good friends' house
7. Watched J and D play Bond on the Wii for almost 2 hours
8. Played Mario and Sonic at the Olympics with said friends and I set 2 new WRs!

8 Things I Wish I Could Do
1. Get up the courage to audition for AI.
2. Sing harmony
3. Find a job
4. STay home all day and do nothing but read
5. Stop picking at my cuticles
6. Have the time to volunteer at camp this summer
7. See my former campers more often
8. Have the patience to be with my dad longer than 2 hours without getting POed.

8 Shows I Enjoy
1. Gilmore Girls
2. Law & Order: SVU
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Brothers and Sisters
5. American Idol
6. One Tree Hill
7. Roseanne
8. Wife Swap

8 People I Tag
(I'm not sure everyone will do it, but most people I read have already been tagged!!!)
1. Stephanie at Kitschicagoan
2. Kari-Anne at The Riveting Life of Kari-Anne
3. Cassi at Cleverly Disguised as a Responsiblie Adult
4. Ellen at Exit, Pursued by Bear
5. Mary at Girl, Stand Still
6. Nici at Mrs. Dinkela's Inner Thoughts
7. Kristal at Good Food, Good Friends, Good Life
8. Katie at The Life of Juan and Katie

Did You Know?

Yesterday (April 18) was the original day I had picked out for our wedding. I wanted it because our church is AMAZINGly beautiful at Easter time. Plus, I wouldn't have had to pay for flowers for the sanctuary, :-).

Anyway, nothing too big has happened since my last post, so I thought I would babble. Here are some things I'm currently semi-obsessed with:

1. Super Paper Mario.
I never had a game system growing up. Well, my brother did but I never played 'cause he always played shoot 'em up games like James Bond or Smash Bros. which I didn't enjoy. So J and I are really having fun with this Wii. We rented Monopoly (for him... it's pretty cool) and Super Paper Mario. I'm currently on level 2-3 and it's way fun. We'll probably buy it at some point in the future, but for now I get to beat as much as I can in 5 days. :-)



2. Mandisa: FREEDOM
Anyone watcht he 5th season of Idol? It was the first I watched and I think it's the best, not because of who won, but because of all the talent that has come out of it. Mandisa was the woman who, upon being passed through to Hollywood, Simon remarked, "I hope we have a bigger stage." She confronted him when being let into the top 24 and said soemthing along the lines of, "If Jesus can die for me and everything I've done, then I can forgive you." She came in 9th, but Sparrow Records and TobyMac snatched her up. Her first CD was called True Beauty and the title track talked about what true beauty is (not found in a bottle, not what Vogue tells us, etc.) and she wrote a book, IdolEyes about her experience. SHe's an amazing role model.
Anyway, her 2nd CD was released about a month ago and I purchased it using my FCS employee discount and OH. MY. GOODNESS. It's wonderful. First of all, Mandisa lost 75 pounds for this record because she didn't want to sing about freedom and still be chained down by her food addiction. What a wonderful woman! I love track 4 which ocne again sings about beauty and what defines a person, and track 9 which is a gospel track called "Freedom Song." but my favorite is probably track 5: "Not Guitly." It's a ballad so full of power and emotion and I just cry everytime I sing it.



3. Pepper Jack Cheez Its
Mmmmmmmmm.....



4. Jon and Kate Plus 8
I know a lot of people HATE this show, but I can't get enough of it. THe kids are so cute and I think that Jon and Kate are very REAL. She gets a lot of flak for how high strung she is, but I totally identify with her (and J identifies w/ Jon). (BTW, I read her book "Multiple Blessings" and it's wonderful!!)


5. Jen Lancaster
I mentioned in my P post that love to read. I can't wait for Pretty in Plaid to come out and I've been reading Jen's blog every day. She's been posting everyday about the 80's and she is just crackin' me up with the pictures and the comments!! Totally... check it out!

What do I Know of Holy?

I know that those of you who read my blog read it for a variety of reasons. Maybe you're my friends/family who like to keep up w/ what's going in my life (and in my head, LOL). Maybe you're an STLWed friend who likes to read just 'cause you have nothing to do. Maybe you like my reflections on my faith, maybe not. If you're in the latter, you might want to just browse away from this post.

Still with me? Great.

A few months ago, my friend Lauren sang a song as our prayer of confession. We rarely do this. I think in the 6 years I've been involved in this church we've had a song as our prayer of confession. but sometimes it works and it's exactly the right avenue to speak with God.

Addison Road wrote this song and included it on their self-titled CD. "What do I Know of Holy?" is a song about how we try to make God fit into our image of what He should be, how we pray and pray but never take the time to listen. It's a song wondering if we'll know Him if He touches our face or looks right at us, would we know Him?

The second verse is poignant to myself, about how so many people learn to talk about His mercy and grace, but do we really believe it, or are they just words ona page? SOmetimes I have to take a step back and ask why I sing int he church band. Sometimes I take a week off simply because often my focus changes from Him to me. He isn't the reason I'm up there some Sunday mornings, sometimes it's me and wanting people to see my talents.

And I often think that that makes me a bad person, like I"m less than a Christian for allowing that to get in the way. but it just makes me human. I desperately want HIM to be my focus. In everything I do and say and think. There is a lot I need to work on, because I'm not perfect.

Here are the lyrics to the song that prompted this post:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Rehire Packets... Sigh

Every year I look forward to getting my rehire packet from Girl Scouts. And every year it seems to take longer. And longer. And l-o-n-g-e-r.

Not this year.

It was in my mailbox today. Normally I'd be squealing for joy. But what am I doing? Crying. Well, in my head, but still...

For those not in the loop. I'm getting married next year. In four months. And 11 days. (Not tht anyone's counting...)

Getting married usually = growing up, letting go of childhood. FOr me, that meant letting go of camp. But it's rough. Fourth session closing and post camp this year were emotional. I was saying good bye to my second home, and a family of people I probably never would have even ever spoken to in the real world. But I was okay with my decision. I mean, I'm marrying the greatest guy in the world, that should be enough, right?

Well, recently it started hitting me that I'm not going back. And I'm still okay with it. Or, at least half of me is. There's still that other half that says don't give it up. You're not ready. Meanwhile, the other half says, yes you are. It's like the angel and the devil on my shoulder.

Anyway, I'm not going back. Don't you camp people go getting your hopes up. I will be back -- but as a visitor. Not as an employee. And, really, as sad as I am tossing that rehire packet in the recycle bin, and to say goodbye to Speckles, I'm even more excited to become Mrs. Jerome Hall. New name, new life, new person... Just like at camp.