Mostly...

You are about to read a post of ramblings from my brain. I just need to get this off of my chest.

I want a baby.

For most of you, this is not news. I talk about wanting to be a mom all the time but that "it's not the right time," or "we're enjoying our alone time." Which is all true.

Mostly.

The truth is, a few months ago, J gave the go ahead to let the chips fall where they fall. We both know that God is going to give us a family when He's ready to give us a family. (No, we're not Dugger-y in that way... we just trust in what He has in store for us.) And really? I'm okay with that.

Mostly.

I'm halfway through my weightloss journey (officially -- woohoo! 15 pounds lighter!) and honestly I was expecting something to have changed. But my cycle is still wonky and I feel like a baby isn't in our cards right now. Which is okay.

Mostly.

Then there's the part of me that wishes, hopes, dreams, to start our family now. I thought I might be pregnant about 6 weeks ago. Took a test. BFN (Big Fat Negative, to those not up on the lingo). So, okay, no baby for now. That's a good thing, right? Right.

Mostly.

But let's face it, people. There are a few things I feel called by God to do: sing, teach, and be a wife and mom. I'm actually doing 3 of the 4, and I know that when God wants us to have a baby then we'll have one, and we're not actively trying, but... I don't even know how to put it into words.

I'm involved on a message board that I've been on since shortly after getting engaged. A lot of the ladies who got married shortly before/after me are pregnant. Or have had a baby. So I'm reading all of these announcements and listening to all of their questions and worries and whatnot, and a small (okay, maybe not that small) part of me is -- I'll just say it -- jealous. *I* want to be pregnant. *I* want to be planning a nursery. *I* want to be worrying about my clothes not fitting and finding the perfect preschool and omigod how are we going to afford everything and what if they have bad reflux or need tubes or are sick all of the time?

I want to grow a human inside myself.

Mostly.

The other side of me thinks about how much debt we can pay down now before we have a baby. It thinks about how nice it is to sleep 8 hours straight. It thinks about how I'm enjoying this new, 213 pound version of myself. I thinks about how life right now is good. I have a good husband who loves me (even though I can be a PITA sometimes...) and two cats who need as much attention as any baby. I have a great job where I can go and play with kids all day.

And then I'm good. For a while at least. Until someone else announces that they're pregnant. And I'm excited for them, really, but I get that pang again.

It's not like I've lost a baby. No miscarriages here, folks. Never been pregnant at all, which raises a new set of worries.

So for now, I sit and think about the baby I want in the future. I plan hypothetical nurseries. I read about other people's journeys and think that someday it will be my journey. And whether that someday is soon or far along down the road, I'm okay with that.

Mostly.

It's my birfday!

I'm 24 today. I poked fun at J for being 25 (a quarter of a century old) and he says just wait till next year, LOL.

Today we had a party with my in-laws. My father-in-law and his sister were born on New Years' Eve 2 years apart and Pam turned 50. She and her husband also celebrated 25 years together recently. Another of J's aunt also had a birthday recently so Pam thought we were getting together at O'Charley's for a small family birthday party, but her kids had invited any of their friends who were able to come and there was at least a good 40 people there. I didn't expect it to also be a birthday gift exchange for all of us, but I got gifts/ cards from Grandma & Grandpa, my FIL, and 3 aunts/uncles. It was a good time. (Oh -- and the Baked Penne Italiano there is to DIE for!)

I'm using birthday money to buy good tickets to see Casting Crowns in April with J. I wasn't able to go the last time they were in town, so I'm very excited about this. Just today between my FIL and my aunt (in-law), we got enough for one ticket. This concert is going to be AMAZING and I cannot wait!

Two of my friends on STLWed had their babies this past week. Congrats to Lisa on the arrival of Olivia on Monday 1/25 and Kristal on the arrival of Isaac on 1/27! Both moms and babies are doing well. Kristal has been fully up front and honest with us through her whole pregnancy, including her birth story, which I really appreciate. We are waiting till after our 2nd anniversary to even THINK about getting pregnant, but this gal still has babies on the brain -- MAJORLY. On a side note, J and I have been debating about whether or not we will find out the sex of our still not conceived, not even close, still hypothetical child. He says he doesn't want to be surprised, I do. He finally caved. We'll be surprised with our first. He says we'll find out our second, but I think we'll like the surprise so much that we'll do it again. This is, of course, God willing that we get pregnant with our own babies.

On a last note, I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW IN THE MORNING!!! It's with a preschool in Winghaven for a 2's teacher. It's an interview/working interview, and let me tell you that it's the HARDEST time I've had deciding what to wear. I want to look professional, but at the same time, I'll be down on the floor with toddler, so I don't want to be too nice. Anyway, I'm excited and I really hope that they decide to give me the best birthday present ever!

Life isn't Fair.

Why is it that people who are the shittiest parents in the world become pregnant without wanting to be while 2 people who will be the best parents in the world struggle through miscarriage after miscarriage? Two people who want a baby more than anything? Two people who deserve to have a child because the two of them would love that child and spoil that child. And what about the people around them who have to know what to say to console them? What is there to say when you haven't experienced that amount of pain?
Please pray foor my friend and her husband. I want so badly for them to get pregnant successfully. It's hard to watch them struggle through this. I don't know what to do.