You are about to read a post of ramblings from my brain. I just need to get this off of my chest.
For most of you, this is not news. I talk about wanting to be a mom all the time but that "it's not the right time," or "we're enjoying our alone time." Which is all true.
Mostly.
The truth is, a few months ago, J gave the go ahead to let the chips fall where they fall. We both know that God is going to give us a family when He's ready to give us a family. (No, we're not Dugger-y in that way... we just trust in what He has in store for us.) And really? I'm okay with that.
Mostly.
I'm halfway through my weightloss journey (officially -- woohoo! 15 pounds lighter!) and honestly I was expecting something to have changed. But my cycle is still wonky and I feel like a baby isn't in our cards right now. Which is okay.
Mostly.
Then there's the part of me that wishes, hopes, dreams, to start our family now. I thought I might be pregnant about 6 weeks ago. Took a test. BFN (Big Fat Negative, to those not up on the lingo). So, okay, no baby for now. That's a good thing, right? Right.
Mostly.
But let's face it, people. There are a few things I feel called by God to do: sing, teach, and be a wife and mom. I'm actually doing 3 of the 4, and I know that when God wants us to have a baby then we'll have one, and we're not actively trying, but... I don't even know how to put it into words.
I'm involved on a message board that I've been on since shortly after getting engaged. A lot of the ladies who got married shortly before/after me are pregnant. Or have had a baby. So I'm reading all of these announcements and listening to all of their questions and worries and whatnot, and a small (okay, maybe not that small) part of me is -- I'll just say it -- jealous. *I* want to be pregnant. *I* want to be planning a nursery. *I* want to be worrying about my clothes not fitting and finding the perfect preschool and omigod how are we going to afford everything and what if they have bad reflux or need tubes or are sick all of the time?
I want to grow a human inside myself.
Mostly.
The other side of me thinks about how much debt we can pay down now before we have a baby. It thinks about how nice it is to sleep 8 hours straight. It thinks about how I'm enjoying this new, 213 pound version of myself. I thinks about how life right now is good. I have a good husband who loves me (even though I can be a PITA sometimes...) and two cats who need as much attention as any baby. I have a great job where I can go and play with kids all day.
And then I'm good. For a while at least. Until someone else announces that they're pregnant. And I'm excited for them, really, but I get that pang again.
It's not like I've lost a baby. No miscarriages here, folks. Never been pregnant at all, which raises a new set of worries.
So for now, I sit and think about the baby I want in the future. I plan hypothetical nurseries. I read about other people's journeys and think that someday it will be my journey. And whether that someday is soon or far along down the road, I'm okay with that.
Mostly.
Don't feel bad for having the feelings you have. I think almost everyone feels similarly at some point. I really hope a baby is in your cards soon rather than later though. By the way, your blog layout is super fun!
ReplyDeleteTHanks, K. I know that I'm not the only one flip flopping like this. =) It's tough, too, when you work in a preschool and see adorable little babies EVERY. SINGLE. Day.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the compliment on the layout. I had a lot of fun making it and still have a few ideas up my sleeve. Hope motherhood is treating you well!!
I seriously could have written this post. I have a great job, but we really want to wait until Sean is working too. Which means another two years to wait for us. It sucks, because there are a ton of little kids in our families right now. But we also live 250 miles away...and I'd prefer to be closer to family when we start our own too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with things! I know the feeling. I've been wanting kids for a long time. Honestly, I would've started trying right after we got married (since I was already 28), but we felt it would be best to wait a bit, save money, etc. Then, I had 2 early miscarriages, and emotionally just couldn't try again for a while. It's taken a while, but I am finally (very) pregnant. I know it's hard. Every time someone would announce they were pregnant on the boards or at my school, I was happy for them, but more jealous, honestly. I hated feeling jealous. I, too, hope a baby is in the cards for you soon!
ReplyDeleteUnrelated to this post - I followed that link and ended up buying something off Etsy for the boys room because it is PERFECT. So when David asks where it came from, I'm telling him it came from you. Your fault.
ReplyDeleteNow here is where I confess the craziest thing in the world - even though we've got two, got two (or three) more on order, and we're out of room at the dinner table and in the vehicles and we're out of bedrooms, I still sometimes want to be pregnant and have a biological baby. Not badly enough to actually do it (well, do all the medical stuff to get there) but still. Every once in a while, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I entertain the idea for a bit.
Then I sleep through the night (well, mostly. Natalie is still up a few times a night with bad dreams)and get over myself.