Mostly...

You are about to read a post of ramblings from my brain. I just need to get this off of my chest.

I want a baby.

For most of you, this is not news. I talk about wanting to be a mom all the time but that "it's not the right time," or "we're enjoying our alone time." Which is all true.

Mostly.

The truth is, a few months ago, J gave the go ahead to let the chips fall where they fall. We both know that God is going to give us a family when He's ready to give us a family. (No, we're not Dugger-y in that way... we just trust in what He has in store for us.) And really? I'm okay with that.

Mostly.

I'm halfway through my weightloss journey (officially -- woohoo! 15 pounds lighter!) and honestly I was expecting something to have changed. But my cycle is still wonky and I feel like a baby isn't in our cards right now. Which is okay.

Mostly.

Then there's the part of me that wishes, hopes, dreams, to start our family now. I thought I might be pregnant about 6 weeks ago. Took a test. BFN (Big Fat Negative, to those not up on the lingo). So, okay, no baby for now. That's a good thing, right? Right.

Mostly.

But let's face it, people. There are a few things I feel called by God to do: sing, teach, and be a wife and mom. I'm actually doing 3 of the 4, and I know that when God wants us to have a baby then we'll have one, and we're not actively trying, but... I don't even know how to put it into words.

I'm involved on a message board that I've been on since shortly after getting engaged. A lot of the ladies who got married shortly before/after me are pregnant. Or have had a baby. So I'm reading all of these announcements and listening to all of their questions and worries and whatnot, and a small (okay, maybe not that small) part of me is -- I'll just say it -- jealous. *I* want to be pregnant. *I* want to be planning a nursery. *I* want to be worrying about my clothes not fitting and finding the perfect preschool and omigod how are we going to afford everything and what if they have bad reflux or need tubes or are sick all of the time?

I want to grow a human inside myself.

Mostly.

The other side of me thinks about how much debt we can pay down now before we have a baby. It thinks about how nice it is to sleep 8 hours straight. It thinks about how I'm enjoying this new, 213 pound version of myself. I thinks about how life right now is good. I have a good husband who loves me (even though I can be a PITA sometimes...) and two cats who need as much attention as any baby. I have a great job where I can go and play with kids all day.

And then I'm good. For a while at least. Until someone else announces that they're pregnant. And I'm excited for them, really, but I get that pang again.

It's not like I've lost a baby. No miscarriages here, folks. Never been pregnant at all, which raises a new set of worries.

So for now, I sit and think about the baby I want in the future. I plan hypothetical nurseries. I read about other people's journeys and think that someday it will be my journey. And whether that someday is soon or far along down the road, I'm okay with that.

Mostly.

Fall TV 2011-2012

In case you missed it, most of the networks announced their fall TV schedules. Some of my favorites (Parenthood, Harry's Law, and Brothers & Sisters) hadn't officially been renewed and I was worried. But two out of three ain't bad.

Parenthood and Harry's Law were renewed. Hurray! They're both relatively new and I was hoping NBC would realize the potential in them both and renew them. B&S had run its course, so I'm kind of okay with it being cancelled. Their season finale, since their fate was still up in the air, was a good closure kind of episode.

Anyway, here is the list of renewals from TVGuide.Com.

I'm not surprised that as of now One Tree Hill is unknown. I'm actually surprised it's still on. I quit watching when Peyton and Lucas left, because, frankly, they were One Tree Hill...

Why I Love Teaching

Kids really DO say the darnedest things. Cases in point:

I was making a sign reminding parents that we close early on Good Friday (this was Wed. beforehand).

G: What are you doing?

Me: making a sign reminding your parents to pick you up early on Friday.

G: Why?

Me: 'Cause we're closing early.

G: Oh, yeah. 'Cause God died for us on Friday.

Me: (Totally blown away by this statement) That's right! What's special about Sunday?

G: That's when the Easter Bunny comes.

Welp, she's almost there.

On Good Friday, I asked my kids who got a new dress for Easter. This got them talking about church. N said she goes on Saturdays and I was curious so I asked her if she was Jewish. She had no idea so I asked her to describe her church.

N: Well, there's a guy who talks. And we stand and then sit and then get on our knees a lot.

Me: Is there a cross on the wall?

N: Yes.

Me: With a guy on it?"

I: That's Jesus Christ. Christ is His last name.

T lives with his grandparents because both his parents are deceased. He is not embarrassed or sad about this. He will tell you point blank that his parents are dead.

A: Whoa, Momma!

T: Whoa, Grandma!

Me: Are your listening ears on, everybody?

M: My ears are on, and ready to rock and roll.

I: Miss Jessica?

Me: Yes, I?

I: I love you.

Me: Aw, I love you, too, baby.

G: Almost all of us love you.

Seriously, pre kindergarteners are AWESOME. I loved my 2's, don't get me wrong, and they said some funny stuff, but my 5's amaze me, not just in the funny things they say, but the quesitons they ask. This group in particular is just full of SPONGES. Seriously, we're way past where they SHOULD be for Kindergarten. They could probably skip to the 2nd semester of Kindergarten or even 1st grade and most of them would be fine. We just keep throwing stuff at them and they keep wanting more. I love it.

Next year's group will probably prove to be quite the challenge. Their group dynamic is totally different (they're boy heavy as opposed to our 5/11 boy/girl ratio now) and they have a hard time sitting still. They're a busy group of kids and I actually welcome the challenge. My student teaching class was a fairly easy class, too, so having my "rotten" class from the get go sounds nice. Get it out of the way for seven years, LOL. (Seriously, though, they aren't rotten. Please don't misconstrue what I mean. I welcome the challenge.) I know that some things we do now will have to change and our whole approach to learning may have to change, but I'm excited for it.

But, for now, I relish in my sponge class. This week we're learning about ocean animals and I looked up some YouTube videos on my phone with while sounds and played them. They kept asking me questions. Thank God for my Android phone; I just searched for the answers. Yesterday we were talking about Kentucky (we're on a states unit in Social Studies) and one of the kids asked why Frankfort was named Frankfort. Seriously, these kids keep me on my toes and they are teaching ME things because I'm constantly having to look stuff up to answer their questions.

I love teaching, and I love that I love teaching. I love that I have known what I wanted to do since I was a little girl -- and that it pretty much stayed that way as I grew older. I love my job.

(Oh, and here's the story behind the name of Frankfort: "The town of Frankfort likely received its name from an event that took place in 1780s when Native Americans attacked a group of pioneers from Bryan’s Station who were making salt at a ford in the Kentucky River. One of the pioneers, Stephen Frank, was killed and the crossing became known as "Frank’s Ford." This name was later shortened to Frankfort.")

I love this

Found this online at Michael Bleecker's blog

RELIGION: I obey-therefore I’m accepted.

THE GOSPEL: I’m accepted-therefore I obey.

RELIGION: Motivation is based on fear and insecurity.

THE GOSPEL: Motivation is based on grateful joy.

RELIGION: I obey God in order to get things from God.

THE GOSPEL: I obey God to get to God-to delight and resemble Him.

RELIGION: When circumstances in my life go wrong, I am angry at God or my self, since I believe, like Job’s friends that anyone who is good deserves a comfortable life.

THE GOSPEL: When circumstances in my life go wrong, I struggle but I know all my punishment fell on Jesus and that while he may allow this for my training, he will exercise his Fatherly love within my trial.

RELIGION: When I am criticized I am furious or devastated because it is critical that I think of myself as a ‘good person’. Threats to that self-image must be destroyed at all costs.

THE GOSPEL: When I am criticized I struggle, but it is not critical for me to think of myself as a ‘good person.’ My identity is not built on my record or my performance but on God’s love for me in Christ. I can take criticism.

RELIGION: My prayer life consists largely of petition and it only heats up when I am in a time of need. My main purpose in prayer is control of the environment.

THE GOSPEL: My prayer life consists of generous stretches of praise and adoration. My main purpose is fellowship with Him.

RELIGION: My self-view swings between two poles. If and when I am living up to my standards, I feel confident, but then I am prone to be proud and unsympathetic to failing people. If and when I am not living up to standards, I feel insecure and inadequate. I’m not confident. I feel like a failure.

THE GOSPEL: My self-view is not based on a view of my self as a moral achiever. In Christ I am “simul iustus et peccator”—simultaneously sinful and yet accepted in Christ. I am so bad he had to die for me and I am so loved he was glad to die for me. This leads me to deeper and deeper humility and confidence at the same time. Neither swaggering nor sniveling.

RELIGION: My identity and self-worth are based mainly on how hard I work. Or how moral I am, and so I must look down on those I perceive as lazy or immoral. I disdain and feel superior to ‘the other.’

THE GOSPEL: My identity and self-worth are centered on the one who died for His enemies, who was excluded from the city for me. I am saved by sheer grace. So I can’t look down on those who believe or practice something different from me. Only by grace I am what I am. I’ve no inner need to win arguments.

RELIGION: Since I look to my own pedigree or performance for my spiritual acceptability, my heart manufactures idols. It may be my talents, my moral record, my personal discipline, my social status, etc. I absolutely have to have them so they serve as my main hope, meaning, happiness, security, and significance, whatever I may say I believe about God.

THE GOSPEL: I have many good things in my life—family, work, spiritual disciplines, etc. But none of these good things are ultimate things to me. None of them are things I absolutely have to have, so there is a limit to how much anxiety, bitterness, and despondency they can inflict on me when they are threatened and lost.

Just an update

I bought an Easter dress last night.

I don't know what I'm more excited about.

The fact that it's originally $90 and I got it for less than $40.

Or that it's a size 14.

Day 14: A Picture of...

...someone I can't live without.

Anyone see a theme??